Eléonore Delmas

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I had an abortion

1994 France (born in France)

Glad, relieved, focused, back into my body, empowered, sharp

I had 2 abortions. The first was surgery, I was underage, and thus accompanied by my mother (and boyfriend). The second was by RU486, I was 19 and by myself. Surgery in itself can be scary, but this was the mildest operation I ever had (I am however, allergic to morphine now). As for the induced miscarriage, ya feel it, but that's also a good thing, listening to your body - which is obviously what I'd failed to do before. You need some time off to be nice to yourself.

I was 17 and 19 when I had my abortions. My life was spinning out of control in all possible ways (atrocious family relationships, feelings of abandonment, alienation, panic attacks, self-destructive boyfriends, poor hygiene and care of myself, school ditching...). I got pregnant the first time I had sex, and I knew it right away. As well as knowing right away I WOULD NOT HAVE THAT CHILD. Things snapped into focus as I finally took a hold of ME, and reclaimed my body - for a while. The second time... let's say I still hadn't fixed my life (and could not take contraception for health reasons, + am allergic to latex and very very fertile). I know what it's like to not be ready for a child. I could never screw up her/his life alongside mine so royally. Never, ever, ever. Many people have tried to convince me that I would eventually have a depression, that I was inhibiting my feelings. It's been 13 years now, and the only thing I feel when I think about my 2 abortions is joyous relief and gratefulness.

Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?

It was legal both times. I was relieved.

How did other people react to your abortion?

I didn't ask for validation, as there was no doubt in my mind. My then boyfriend moaned about it the 2 years we stayed together. My friends asked if I needed anything. My mother (I had to tell her the 1st time since I was 17) remains absolutely mute about it, which is refreshing. A woman stopped me outside of Family Planning and asked if I was "going to kill (my) baby". I usually have a slow sense of repartee, but I slammed her against a wall and said I'd start with killing her. She went ashen and my boyfriend had to pry my fingers off her. This woman represents/ed everything that is wrong with the world.

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