Lu

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Unexpected feelings

2019 United States

For an unexplainable reason I'm hurt by this loss. For some reason flushing down the toilet (literally), what could have been my baby felt wrong. I never dreamed I would think of an unthinking, unfeeling, thing the size of a raspberry, as .. . Deserving. As needing taken care of. As deserving not to be just thrown away. I totally respect everyone's choice but for some reason I grew an attachment to that thing inside of me. I knew I was pregnant before the missed period. I felt my body change and at first I felt punished. Trapped. scared. I was so worried about how to make it stop and get back to my old self I didn't realize I was also subconsciously feeling every second of that pregnancy. I guess it left some weird imprint on me. I don't know how to tell my partner that it still hurts me. He doesnt get it when I try to tell him that it was a huge experience for me and I need time to heal. I wish I was one of those people who just go on with their life like nothing happened but ive always been pretty sensitive

I had a medical abortion. With a heating pad and tramadol, the pain was bearable. The bleeding stopped after a week. Going back to work was extremely hard for me at first as my job is very physically demanding but I got through it.

Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?

The protesters who were outside of every clinic visit, yelling "repent" and "it's not too late" with their giant pictures of fetuses and whatnot. .. to the recent string of abortion/birth control bans and criminalization. I was so afraid I wouldn't have access to choice (I do thanks to the acula and pp and organizations like women have options who helped me AFFORD it). And after the abortion I feel less angry at those ignorant prolifers, I feel more.. grief. Which is their objective I'm sure. ..

How did other people react to your abortion?

Indifferent/ nonchalant. My partner and I have always agreed to an abortion in case an accident ever happened.. and it did. I'm not brave enough or ready to tell my mother. I need time. I never dreamed it would affect me this way. I drunkenly told one of my few female friends. I work in a male dominated field and most of my friends are male. I don't think any of them could react in a way that would be comforting or worth validation as they can't understand. So I haven't told anyone really. Guess that's why I'm here.

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