Emmy Smith

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It was the best decision of my life

2015 France

I could easily check all those boxes. But the moment when you know that the test is going to show a plus sign and you don't want it, it is a nightmare on earth. I'm a person who doesn't like children and I am always careful. I was just so disappointed and ashamed of myself, and I still am. I don't want to talk about this ever again and I just need to bury it somewhere deep. I was also sure about my decision and very relieved that I live in a country where I can choose the destiny of my life by myself. I felt so stupid and I was feeling so sorry of myself. I wanted just sleep and pretend that nothing was wrong, but everything was wrong and it needed to be fixed soon.

This was the cheapest way to proceed (legally with professional help) and I thought it would be easily done. But in France you need to wait a week before the doctor can start the abortion, in case you change your mind. I thought that the medical way would be the easiest and less painful but I was really wrong. I took the first medicine and it didn't have any effect in my body. 48h later I took the second one and it hurt so much that I couldn't see or walk. I wanted to go home but I couldn't do anything than sit outside and wait for the pain to go away, but it didn't. I wanted to throw up because my legs and my whole upper body were in the most horrible pain that I have ever experienced. If I could choose now, I would do the surgery.

I know it's a cliche to say this but it just wasn't for me. I fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. He doesn't even know about any of this, but every day I would want to tell him my story. I would want to make him feel bad about leaving me the worst time ever. But I don't. It doesn't matter anymore, I am strong enough to get trough this by myself.

Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?

It is not illegal in my home country or in the country I am living in right now. I think all women should have the right to do this and make the decisions of their own bodies and lives.

How did other people react to your abortion?

I was and still am to scared to tell anyone. I only told a two people about my positive test and I knew immediately that I am going to end it as soon as possible. My closest was supporting my decision and helping me to get it ended.

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