Sabine Ryan
It's not as bad as you think. Please read my story!
2014 United States
I really wanted to take the time to share my story with anyone out there who is scared, fearful, and unsure of what they want to do. I pray for you and I feel for you. You will make the right decision for you. First off, I believe that every woman is a beautiful, unique being unto herself. We are individuals, who have different dreams, hopes and goals. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with having the goal being a mother, it's not something I personally felt ready to do AT ALL. I come from a freakishly religious family who would not only disown me, but completely condemn me if they ever found out I was pregnant out of wedlock. Not only that, I'm in a job that is primarily male and being pregnant in any capacity is only a detriment to your career advancement. So with that in mind, let me tell you my story. I was very fortunate to receive a scholarship to a college I loved at 25, so I moved far away from my family and started my life there. I was in love with my studies and even more in love with the fact that I would break the cycle of uneducated, southern poverty that my family had grown accustomed to. While I was in one of my classes, I met a gorgeous, dark haired, blue eyed, smooth-talking guy (we'll call him Jon) who I immediately fell for. I later found out he was about as deep as the shallow end of the kiddie pool- but I digress. We went on several dates and got to know each other better. I was completely alone, going to school in a state where I had no family or real friends so I started spending more time with Jon. Inevitably, we became intimate. Shortly after the fact, he admitted to having a girlfriend. Not only did this piss me off beyond all understanding, but it hurt me to know I was simply being used. I felt stupid and ignorant, especially since I was well out of my teens. I mean, adults don't fall for that stuff, right!? But I tried to move on and learn from the situation and focus more on my studies to forget what had happened. Once it came time for my period I noticed I was late. I didn't make a fuss of it because I had been late before, I've never been too regular I guess. But 2 days after my missed period I noticed something strange. The skin on my face felt thicker and I felt a sharp sense of anxiety that I've never experienced before. It's like my body was panicking on the inside when there was nothing to be fearful about. Just to rule out pregnancy, I bought a few test and took them home. I nearly hit the floor when I saw the 2 little bars staring me boldly in the face, without any mercy. I didn't cry right away. I just sat silently, and immediately started planning what I had to do. I had never considered abortion in the past, heck, I didn't even know or understood how it worked at all. All I had heard in the past was how awful "those baby-killers" were. But now I was in the situation where I would have to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I immediately started doing research on how to "naturally miscarry". I didn't have a clue what I was doing but I stayed up night after night frantically trying herbal methods. unfortunately, it didn't work for me and I ended up going to a clinic about 2 hours away from my house. No one in my family had a clue. The state I went to required an ultrasound appointment and a subsequent appointment for the abortion. Because I caught it early enough, I was able to get the pill (thank God). After already being emotionally on edge I had to fight through a mob of angry, loud, Bible blasting protestors twice to get to the door. Every one of them looked just like my super-religious family members. I walked in with tears pouring down my face, hoping the receptionist had seen worse emotional outburst than mine. These protestors did not know me at all, yet they were so quick to judge. On the brighter side of things, my ultrasound went quickly. I expected to see a baby thrashing around for life, but to my relief it was just an egg. Like, literally, an EGG. No heartbeats, no facial features, no fingers, no "baby" like they plaster all over the pro-life bilboards. I asked to save the picture and I keep it to this day. An amazing reminder that as a woman, I hold the key to creating new life! On the second appointment, I was guided into a small room by a busy Indian man who gave me a tiny pill in a cup and asked me to take it. I was then given pain medication and an additional pill to take when I got home. I felt a tad nauseous after taking that first pill, but it was probably just nerves. I took the second pill when I got home and I started to bleed within minutes. Nothing in my life has ever felt more relieving than seeing the period I had missed. But then came the cramping. Yes, it sucked. Really bad. *But it wasn't much worse than my regular period cramping PLUS I had the pain medication* (which really helped). I took the pill on Thursday so I missed Friday of school. I was back to school on Monday feeling fine (and very thankful as well). Not including gas money, the total bill came out to around $450. Luckily I had a little emergency money saved. If I didn't have money saved I probably would have applied for a credit card so I wouldn't have to ask for cash (and raise suspicions). All in all, I felt a little guilty that I wasn't crying and sad about "the baby I could have had." But then again, I never felt like God would want me to give up my dream of college and my career of helping people to bring a child into this world who most likely wouldn't have had a father or a comfortable upbringing. I still pray and love God, but I also thank him that I had the money, time and most of all **privacy** to get that pill when I needed it. To this day, no one knows what I've been through and hopefully they never will. Still too much stigma in the world today. I would love to have children in the future, and if I have daughters, best believe I will fight for their reproductive rights. If you're out there reading this, you know in your heart if you're ready to conceive or not. If you aren't, don't let anyone bully you into making a decision you're not ready for. You are a beautiful individual who deserves the right to make their own decisions. To this day I have maintained my job, earned my Bachelors degree, and I'm working on my Masters. None of that would have been possible unless I had made my own decision. This journey has taught me more about tolerance and understanding than I could ever hope to imagine. I hope my story has brought you some peace. Know that you are loved.
I really wanted to take the time to share my story with anyone out there who is scared, fearful, and unsure of what they want to do. I pray for you and I feel for you. You will make the right decision for you. First off, I believe that every woman is a beautiful, unique being unto herself. We are individuals, who have different dreams, hopes and goals. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with having the goal being a mother, it's not something I personally felt ready to do AT ALL. I come from a freakishly religious family who would not only disown me, but completely condemn me if they ever found out I was pregnant out of wedlock. Not only that, I'm in a job that is primarily male and being pregnant in any capacity is only a detriment to your career advancement. So with that in mind, let me tell you my story. I was very fortunate to receive a scholarship to a college I loved at 25, so I moved far away from my family and started my life there. I was in love with my studies and even more in love with the fact that I would break the cycle of uneducated, southern poverty that my family had grown accustomed to. While I was in one of my classes, I met a gorgeous, dark haired, blue eyed, smooth-talking guy (we'll call him Jon) who I immediately fell for. I later found out he was about as deep as the shallow end of the kiddie pool- but I digress. We went on several dates and got to know each other better. I was completely alone, going to school in a state where I had no family or real friends so I started spending more time with Jon. Inevitably, we became intimate. Shortly after the fact, he admitted to having a girlfriend. Not only did this piss me off beyond all understanding, but it hurt me to know I was simply being used. I felt stupid and ignorant, especially since I was well out of my teens. I mean, adults don't fall for that stuff, right!? But I tried to move on and learn from the situation and focus more on my studies to forget what had happened. Once it came time for my period I noticed I was late. I didn't make a fuss of it because I had been late before, I've never been too regular I guess. But 2 days after my missed period I noticed something strange. The skin on my face felt thicker and I felt a sharp sense of anxiety that I've never experienced before. It's like my body was panicking on the inside when there was nothing to be fearful about. Just to rule out pregnancy, I bought a few test and took them home. I nearly hit the floor when I saw the 2 little bars staring me boldly in the face, without any mercy. I didn't cry right away. I just sat silently, and immediately started planning what I had to do. I had never considered abortion in the past, heck, I didn't even know or understood how it worked at all. All I had heard in the past was how awful "those baby-killers" were. But now I was in the situation where I would have to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I immediately started doing research on how to "naturally miscarry". I didn't have a clue what I was doing but I stayed up night after night frantically trying herbal methods. unfortunately, it didn't work for me and I ended up going to a clinic about 2 hours away from my house. No one in my family had a clue. The state I went to required an ultrasound appointment and a subsequent appointment for the abortion. Because I caught it early enough, I was able to get the pill (thank God). After already being emotionally on edge I had to fight through a mob of angry, loud, Bible blasting protestors twice to get to the door. Every one of them looked just like my super-religious family members. I walked in with tears pouring down my face, hoping the receptionist had seen worse emotional outburst than mine. These protestors did not know me at all, yet they were so quick to judge. On the brighter side of things, my ultrasound went quickly. I expected to see a baby thrashing around for life, but to my relief it was just an egg. Like, literally, an EGG. No heartbeats, no facial features, no fingers, no "baby" like they plaster all over the pro-life bilboards. I asked to save the picture and I keep it to this day. An amazing reminder that as a woman, I hold the key to creating new life! On the second appointment, I was guided into a small room by a busy Indian man who gave me a tiny pill in a cup and asked me to take it. I was then given pain medication and an additional pill to take when I got home. I felt a tad nauseous after taking that first pill, but it was probably just nerves. I took the second pill when I got home and I started to bleed within minutes. Nothing in my life has ever felt more relieving than seeing the period I had missed. But then came the cramping. Yes, it sucked. Really bad. *But it wasn't much worse than my regular period cramping PLUS I had the pain medication* (which really helped). I took the pill on Thursday so I missed Friday of school. I was back to school on Monday feeling fine (and very thankful as well). Not including gas money, the total bill came out to around $450. Luckily I had a little emergency money saved. If I didn't have money saved I probably would have applied for a credit card so I wouldn't have to ask for cash (and raise suspicions). All in all, I felt a little guilty that I wasn't crying and sad about "the baby I could have had." But then again, I never felt like God would want me to give up my dream of college and my career of helping people to bring a child into this world who most likely wouldn't have had a father or a comfortable upbringing. I still pray and love God, but I also thank him that I had the money, time and most of all **privacy** to get that pill when I needed it. To this day, no one knows what I've been through and hopefully they never will. Still too much stigma in the world today. I would love to have children in the future, and if I have daughters, best believe I will fight for their reproductive rights. If you're out there reading this, you know in your heart if you're ready to conceive or not. If you aren't, don't let anyone bully you into making a decision you're not ready for. You are a beautiful individual who deserves the right to make their own decisions. To this day I have maintained my job, earned my Bachelors degree, and I'm working on my Masters. None of that would have been possible unless I had made my own decision. This journey has taught me more about tolerance and understanding than I could ever hope to imagine. I hope my story has brought you some peace. Know that you are loved.
How did other people react to your abortion?
No one knows but me!