Tiffany

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I am still healing from my decision - it really is a wide range of emotions.

2014 United States

I'm devastated. I've been a year and a half and it seems that as time goes on, I feel worse. I felt relief at first - I didn't have to quit school, we are getting on our feet financially, and things are going more smoothly than before. For a while I was content, a little sad, but allowed myself to grieve and try to move on. The past 5-6 months though, I've been filled with a deep sorrow. I feel regret, I feel angry. I'm angry at myself for not standing up to my partner. I'm disappointed at what "could have" been. I'm just deeply sad. My focus now is on forgiving myself...I understand that some women feel good about their decision - and I am grateful that these services exist so that women can control their own reproductive health - but I'm not so sure that I made the right choice...I must take care of myself now and work on finding inner peace and love.

I terminated my pregnancy at 6 weeks, so I was offered the option to use the medication rather than the surgery. I lived in Utah at the time, where it is required to be "counseled" beforehand...which equated to a nurse reading off of a cue card explaining to me what abortion is, etc. I then had a waiting period (I don't remember if it's 48 or 72 hours). I drove to the facility, had an ultrasound (didn't look at it) and was given a picture of my baby (per my request). I took one set of pills there and was given the rest to take at home. It was very calm and the provider was very nice and respectful. Once the abortion began to take place I was in excruciating pain. I have had two miscarriages before, and a natural full-term birth...the pain definitely feels like contractions and like my cervix dilated a little bit. It lasted all night until I passed the tissues...I think within 2-3 days I was physically back to normal.

I've been with my partner for over a decade. We have older children, we were using birth control, and somehow I ended up pregnant anyway. My husband was between jobs, I am finishing school, and the timing was just way, way off. My partner is done having children. I thought I was too, until I became pregnant. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for all of my adult life and didn't think that having more children was conducive to my mental health.

Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?

It was legal for me to do - had it been illegal I am not sure what I would have done.

How did other people react to your abortion?

My partner strongly encouraged it. My mother gently encouraged it. My two best friends did not voice their opinion, only that they supported me no matter what I chose.

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