Imgoingtobeokay

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It's 2:25AM as I write this. I had two pills of misoprostol at 11PM. Been surfing the web since then. I've asked Google every question there is. Read every discussion board. Cried. And stopped. Surfed the web some more. And cried again.
My best friend sleeps next to me. We have an exam tomorrow. She's Snoring. I've never been more envious of her. My boyfriend, is in a different time zone. He keeps saying "chill out, the pills are not magic. Just wait."
I couldn't cry quietly anymore. So I came into the bathroom. Afraid to take my panties off, just to be disappointed for the millionth time tonight. Sat on the pot. Pants on. Cried some more. I love him. I say to myself. I will have his babies some day. Just not today. And it's okay. I say repeatedly. In between prayers I send up to God to let it be okay. "It's okay."
And then come those thoughts that are there even if you're thinking something else. Or laughing. Or studying. Or humming a song just so you wouldn't think. "What if I won't be okay! Ectopic! Surgery! Side effects! Still no bleeding! Why do I feel so alone?
And suddenly, I need to pee. So I take my pants off and pee. Wait. I saw a blob. A red blob. Let me check. And there it is. The red blob. And the tears. The stress, the relief, the grief all together. All at once. Tears. Blood. Pee. And all I can hear through my silent wails are "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
I don't know who I'm apologising to. To God? Because some say what I just did is against his will? To my mother? Because this is the only secret I will ever keep from her? To my boyfriend? The love of my life? For putting him through this? For making him feel like there's nothing he can do to make this better? To my best friend? For making her sit in the clinic for hours as I chugged down litre and after litre of water for the ultrasound?
No. Just me. I'm sorry. For putting myself through this. For 3 weeks of those horrible thoughts, those sleepless nights those countless google searches. I'm sorry. Never again.
I've never been so happy to see that red blob.
I'm going to be okay.

2015 India

I've said it all.

It worked. That's all I care about.

How did other people react to your abortion?

Whoever I told was supportive to be the best of their capacity.

Myla .

e quero compartilhar minha experiência

Gaby

No me arrepiento

Nadia

Le habia escrito una blanca cancion del amor entre una nube y un pez volador.

Paula

i had an abortion

sogoodtobebad stassia

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Layla

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Belen

Mi experiencia con Oxaprost. 7 semanas.

Klaudia

Miałam aborcję i nie żałuję! Znowu czuję, że żyję. Opowiem wam w skrócie moją…

Macarena

Yo aborte , con oxapros en Buenos Aires tengo 24 años

Bee

I felt very guilty but relieved . I was way too young to be a mother.

Ronnie

because the time just wasn't right for me.

Beth Smith

I was with my parter for three and a half years when i fell pregnant. I was…

Adhi

Saya masih duduk di kelas 3 SMA saat melakukan aborsi. Saya sudah pacaran…

Samantha

Grow Yourself, Before You Grow a Baby.

Ary

Yo he abortado 4 veces.

Maria sovitlana

i really cant believe that i can do it in a country where so much hard law…

Maggie

Desculpa não te ter dado uma chance de sobreviveres, mas fiquei demasiado…