It's 2:25AM as I write this. I had two pills of misoprostol at 11PM. Been surfing the web since then. I've asked Google every question there is. Read every discussion board. Cried. And stopped. Surfed the web some more. And cried again.
My best friend sleeps next to me. We have an exam tomorrow. She's Snoring. I've never been more envious of her. My boyfriend, is in a different time zone. He keeps saying "chill out, the pills are not magic. Just wait."
I couldn't cry quietly anymore. So I came into the bathroom. Afraid to take my panties off, just to be disappointed for the millionth time tonight. Sat on the pot. Pants on. Cried some more. I love him. I say to myself. I will have his babies some day. Just not today. And it's okay. I say repeatedly. In between prayers I send up to God to let it be okay. "It's okay."
And then come those thoughts that are there even if you're thinking something else. Or laughing. Or studying. Or humming a song just so you wouldn't think. "What if I won't be okay! Ectopic! Surgery! Side effects! Still no bleeding! Why do I feel so alone?
And suddenly, I need to pee. So I take my pants off and pee. Wait. I saw a blob. A red blob. Let me check. And there it is. The red blob. And the tears. The stress, the relief, the grief all together. All at once. Tears. Blood. Pee. And all I can hear through my silent wails are "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
I don't know who I'm apologising to. To God? Because some say what I just did is against his will? To my mother? Because this is the only secret I will ever keep from her? To my boyfriend? The love of my life? For putting him through this? For making him feel like there's nothing he can do to make this better? To my best friend? For making her sit in the clinic for hours as I chugged down litre and after litre of water for the ultrasound?
No. Just me. I'm sorry. For putting myself through this. For 3 weeks of those horrible thoughts, those sleepless nights those countless google searches. I'm sorry. Never again.
I've never been so happy to see that red blob.
I'm going to be okay.
I've said it all.
It worked. That's all I care about.
How did other people react to your abortion?
Whoever I told was supportive to be the best of their capacity.
...Lo quería pero no podía
Desculpa não te ter dado uma chance de sobreviveres, mas fiquei demasiado…
At the young age of 17, I was the victim of sexual assault. There is nothing…
Terminé mi embarazo
mi aborto. siempre te voy a recordar pequeña semillita
Minor blip overcome thanks to Women on Web
No me sentía lista
I was with my parter for three and a half years when i fell pregnant. I was…
My abortion was NOT THAT PAINFUL. Don't believe in the horror stories!
Le habia escrito una blanca cancion del amor entre una nube y un pez volador.
I was so scared but it was right and I know deep in my heart now.
Being allergic to latex I became pregnant multiple times before I was 20 having…
Your Dreams Are Real, So Are Abortions.
aku masih berumur 20thun aku mempunyai pacar usia nya di bawah ku 1 tahun aku…
Yo aborté! porque es mi derecho!
I had an abortion
Medical abortion, 19 years old