XHTarv

Too selfish, and ok with that for now.

2014 United States

grieving selfish relieved sad

When I found out I was pregnant I had been partying heavily, and in a relationship that probably isn't acceptable to most of the general public. I am still with him, and I still drink heavily, and am happy with both. But I have visions of what it would be like to look down at my baby in my arms. I think this is a normal reaction, and I'm not saying I regret my choice; but I would love to look at the alternate reality where I decided to continue the pregnancy. I know I will be a good mom. A great mom. My profession is a nurse who teaches women how to have a healthy pregnancy and raise a healthy child. I get jealous of my clients sometimes. I see the way they look at their baby and the way they look back into their mother's eyes. The pride the parents share over every little milestone. The beauty of parenthood. But I know it's not my time. Any baby that is eventually born of me will be unconditionally loved and given every opportunity for greatness. This pregnancy, to me, was hopeless from the start.

with medicines by myself

I had gone to this particular office with a relative, who had become pregnant despite having and IUD. She and her husband had 2 teenage children and were done having kids. She believed the pregnancy to be nonviable, and thus went in to have the IUD removed and for an abortion. I was there with her through the appt, I talked to her several days later, and I know she has no regrets. When I finally made my decision to go through with an abortion, I went to the same clinic. There, after affirming my decision with the doctor, I was given a 'very expensive' part of the process- the mifiprestone pill, orally and was required to take it in the office. My SO was there sitting beside me. I thought I could remain emotionless, but as I took the pill out of the envelope and put it in the mouth, tears filled my eyes. As I drank to wash it down they fell. I remember him looking at me with pain in his own eyes. I was given the other pills, cytotec, to insert at home vaginally 2-3 days later. I did it as soon as was indicated after work. Again SO seemed at a loss as to what to say, but did whatever I asked. I self administered the pills and laid down on the couch. It first felt like menstrual cramps, and turned into more intense contractions in the lower abdomen. I had taken the pain prophylaxis of ibuprofen beforehand, which acts more directly on muscles than other pain killers, and I'm sure that did something to soften the blow. SO went to the store and brought me a bag of chocolate and overnight pads. I remember that it was uncomfortable, but I expected much worse. I have never had real pain to compare it to, no broken bones, major trauma, never had surgery, but I would say it was tolerable. I am certainly glad I planned the whole night out to lay on the couch though and would recommend anyone else to do the same. I got up a couple times to go to the bathroom and what came out looked similar to menstrual clots, just a little bigger. I did not identify an embryotic sac or see a 'baby' floating around like some horror stories share. Just looked like straight up period blood and matter. I don't remember the bleeding lasting very long. I don't think the cramps even kept me up late. It was overall tolerable. That night, and the actual act, just felt like something that I had to get through. Emotions weren't prominent and at that time I remember closing my eyes and saying to myself "no matter how you feel in the future THIS is the right decision for all involved right now"

my personal reasons for not wanting a child

I don't have any blatant reasons. I have a great job, a nice home, a SO who loves me deeply. My family loves me and I have supportive friends all over the state. Not everyone who makes this decision makes it out of desperation. Some women decide that they want something different for their future, and their children's future.

Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?

The legality of being able to chose made it possible for me to get through. I imagine a world where I didn't have that choice, and the poor child that would be a product of that. (S)he would probably be loved, but never unconditionally. And he would have a mother who resented him on some level, whether conscious or deeper.

How did other people react to your abortion?

Only three people knew before. Sig other, and two best friends. SO was supportive of whatever decision I made. I honestly don't know it if was him being upstanding or cowardly. Best friends were both shocked when I told them separately. 1st one mostly listened and asked nonjudgemental questions to help me reflect. 2nd took an emotional route and knew I was questioning my choices. All three of them conveyed the same overall thought- I will be there for you no matter what you choose.

legal

no religion