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I had an abortion

2015 United Kingdom

I had a surgical abortion this week. I realised I was pregnant 3 weeks ago. I had been feeling so tired that I'd stopped the gym and went straight to sleep after work. This went on for two weeks but I chose to ignore anything was wrong. I put it down to overdoing it at work and the gym. I started sleeping in the back of my car at lunch times and had lots of mood swings. Two weeks later I was literally drained and started vomiting before I went to work. I told my mum and she said I should get a pregnancy test. It didn't even cross my mind that I could be pregnant until that day. I started to panick and drove to Asda to buy a pregnancy test in the hope I could go to work after and everything would be fine. I brought two Cheap tests and asked for a plastic cup at the cafe. I went to the toilets, peed in the cup, left it in for 10 seconds then quickly put it in my bag so I could check the reading in my car. I waited.. I was terrified to check it, my heart was racing then two lines came up! I started to cry my eyes out. I read the instructions that even if one line is blurry Im still pregnant. I knew I was but I rang my mum and told her I should get a clear blue pregnancy test to be sure. I went back in Asda and brought another test, rang in work sick then drove home. Previous to this I'd been arguing with my boyfriend about silly things. I hadn't seen him in two weeks because I expected more from him. I wanted him to make more effort in the relationship but now that didn't matter anymore. I phoned him and told him I think I'm pregnant. He told me not to panick and we will do the other test round his. So I went round straight away, he held me in his arms and told me not to worry and that if I am pregnant he will respect whatever decision I make. We did the test in his toilet and hugged for a minute or two. He checked the reading it was positive, 3 weeks plus! I cried so much and I think he was in shock and not sure what to say. I knew he's always wanted a kid. He had told me previous to this that he'd had a miscarriage with his ex and they ended up breaking up shortly after. He was younger at the time and didn't want to keep it. He wanted to keep mine but didn't want to discuss the seriousness of it all. I told him how I felt about it all. I think he knew I'd made my mind up already about not keeping it but I still had doubts because this would of been my first child. I kept thinking about if it was a boy or a girl and what it would look like. Also I'm nearly 28 so it's a good age to have a child. The only things that were stopping me were: I didn't feel secure in my relationship at the time, I was worried what might happen if I kept it and risked becoming a single mum, I knew there's always a risk of breaking up even if you have been together years/marry/have enough money but something inside me felt it's not the right time. My mum struggled bringing up me and my brothers and she warned it would be tough. My boyfriend said things could improve if we had it and my mum said she'll b there for me no matter what. The people that I told were sympathetic and thought of what was best for me rather than going through with the pregnancy. Most people close to me or people that I'd told about my situation said its not the best idea to keep it because of our financial situation. Either way, because it wasn't planned there wasn't a right or wrong decision my boyfriend had said. Initially he wanted to keep it but as the weeks passed I think he started to take it more seriously. The fact that it's a life changing thing, we would only have enough money to live on, we didn't want to rush into something we weren't ready for, I didn't feel confident or secure about my job because I've only been working there 4 months and my boyfriend is currently in dept. We didn't have a plan of what we would do once the baby was born which didn't make me feel secure. I imagined I would have to go on maternity leave except the small company I work for would more than likely choose to end my position due to the payout. I didn't want to rely on my mum as I already rely on her and don't pay any rent which I am very lucky about! She is helping me to get on my feet until I have some money behind me. My boyfriend is 'sorting his life out too'. After all the people I'd spoke to, the decision kept coming back to not keeping it. I wanted to do more with my boyfriend that we had hoped to do! Bringing an extra responsibility into our lives - I felt would of tested us and reared us apart not brought us closer. I had seen already how we were with minor things that we wouldn't be able to handle the stress. Initially, after a week id had a blood test it Which came back 4 weeks pregnant so I thought the medical abortion was the option I could go with and seemed more natural. My boyfriend came to the doctors to confirm I wanted to go through with the abortion. I felt he didn't want to at the time. It wasn't until I'd booked a consultation for an abortion at the hospital that I found out I was 9 weeks and two days! And the doctor said I'd have to have a surgical procedure. My heart sunk! But I carried on filling the forms out and agreed to have the copper coil fitted. That day I'd gone on my own, I had argued with my boyfriend again because he'd not made it and I'd told him how I had to have the scan on my own and that I was much more further gone. We spent alot of time together after that day for a week until the abortion date. Over this time, we had discussed it so much and my boyfriend isn't one to discuss feelings so I felt I was forcing him constantly. It was the hardest decision of my life. Part of me wanted to keep it! But I knew the safest option was to end it and carry on trying to improve our lives and see how our relationship went first. There's so much love we have between us that I took for granted when I complained about how I wanted him to make more effort. None of that matters to me anymore! I know certain things my boyfriend does/doesn't do can annoy me but life is too short. I was on no birth control before because I wasn't sure about taking hormones. I feel it was my own fault for using the pull out method but I should of looked into more options at the time. I just didn't think something like this would ever happen to me. The night before the abortion I knew I had to make a decision. Overall I had more cons for going through with it than pros. Even if my boyfriend made more effort which I think he would have and id of got financial help it wasn't the right time! I felt like I couldn't go through with it because I was scared. I was scared when I didn't feel secure with myself, living at home, no money, my job, my boyfriend and I knew we would struggle and advice id listened to and just my own feelings about it all pointed to not keep it. If I'd been asked at the time to have a baby if I wasn't pregnant I would of said no I'm not ready. I had seen pictures of newborn babies on posters at the hospital and I'd never thought about kids in my life. I knew I wanted a kid eventually but I'd only just started to do stuff with my boyfriend. My boyfriends family and friends are different to mine. They seem more easy going about having kids and most are separated or not married. This is why he tells me he's not ready to marry yet which has always made me feel insecure. My family on the other hand are Catholics and have all married first even my friends. I think he is more laid back than I am about life. I take things quite serious and worry. The abortion: I have never been so scared in my life about what I was doing and the choice I was making. My mum and boyfriend were there for me the whole time. I spoke to the doctors and had the pills put inside me, then after an hour I went into the operating theatre. They were really good even though I was panicking and crying my eyes out they held my hand until I was put asleep. After this I don't recall anything but waking up where I had been before on the same trolley. I felt relieved and very relaxed. Later I saw my mum and boyfriend. They had been worrying because I was in there an hour not 5 minutes like they had said before. I had some food and drink. My mum spoke to another mother who was their with her daughter going through the same thing. Although she was younger, the same reasons were coming up about why her daughter had decided not to keep it. For her it was that she wanted to spend more time and do things with her boyfriend as well as go to uni. Very similar to my situation except it's the money and job issues. Her boyfriend had also not been there on the consultation date. I recognised another girl at the consultation that was on her own - very young too. The main things that upset me about the abortion were the fact that it could of been something if I had left it. But the way I see it is it wasn't meant to be. If I'd of taken the morning after pill it wouldn't of been anything anyway. It wasn't a real baby. It was something that would of grown into something if left. Although images on google scare me to death it's not something I feel I should look at because you don't need to know all the complexities of a situation. Whether it was right or wrong it is done now. I made the best decision at the time. I believe in fate and this just wasn't meant to be but the experience was. This was bound to happen at some point not using protection and 1/3 women have abortions every year in the UK. Some of my friends have had miscarriages and abortions and all are very different to how they have felt about it. I have learnt alot from my experience and how I am as a person. Although it was my own decision to end it I feel I rely alot on what people think and to help me through situations based on their judgements. In the end I made my own choice but I want to be able to trust my gut more. I want to keep my relationship between me and my boyfriend and not tell others about it when the chips are down because they will only judge when they don't know how we really are together. This in turn makes me more mad at him when I know he isn't as bad as I make out. In fact he is perfect for me. I know we would of been good parents and I know there is so much love between us. But I also know it just wasn't the right time. Sometimes reasons don't even come into it, you just know by the way your boyfriend acts that he's not ready or the way you are that your not either. That is how I felt. And the craziest thing is that since this event has happened me and my boyfriend have been even closer. I thought this would tear us apart either way but it's not about what happens its how you deal with it. My boyfriend said he was happy if I was and he realised that we'd made the best decision more so once it was over. He isn't one to cry and usually goes along with other people when it comes down to decisions. He is very easy going. I have been very upset each day still about what has happened and also because of my hormones. I have decided to take the week off work to relax. My boyfriend has been there for me no end and I really do feel we're soul mates and there's something so special between us. The main thing is we got through this and we won't forget what has happened but these things happen in life. It's like a test. But there are also a lot worse things that happen in the world everyday too. I don't want to feel bad about what has happened. You have always got to think things could be much worse. You have to look after yourself in life as best as possible and you realise who your true friends are in times like these. I know I will be able to live with this because I knew it was the best decision at the time. It has also motivated me and my boyfriend to work hard and get along because little things no longer matter as much anymore. As long as you have love and willing to make it work it shouldn't effect your relationship in a bad way. Right now I want to focus on improving my life financially independent and making my own decisions. Iv learnt that I want to be more considerate to others and less selfish. I want to stop caring what others think and also stop trying to be something im not and accept who I am. I want to trust myself more and my boyfriend and let things happen rather than trying to control everything and make everything perfect. Life isn't like that, you can only be the best person you can be. I want to learn to relax, go to confession one day and think positive. I have so much I am greatful for in my life. Lots of people care for me and just because I chose this decision to not keep it I don't think I'm a bad person. Nobody who goes through this wants to end the pregnancy but sometimes when you do something classed as wrong it turns out for the best in the long term. I believe we all have our own path. Something's that have happened in my life have fitted into place years later. I already feel everything that has happened recently was meant to. My friend went to a therapist recently with her boyfriend too just like me and my boyfriend had. I have her the idea because me and my boyfriend has been together to help make the decision on whether to keep it or not. They are close to breaking up because although they have money and do so much together the love isn't there. I have the opposite. You can't have everything in life, the young girls I saw at the hospital too have been through the same thing a me too so it's not uncommon. I want to share my story and I hope girls can relate to my feelings. For me the thought of the whole abortion and the fact something was taken from me upsets me the most but you can't think of it like that. It wasn't anything and what it was is tiny. It couldn't feel anything and God didn't invent contraceptives so we would all be pregnant by now. You have to forgive yourself no matter what way you look at it, just be strong and know that no matter how upset you are it was the best decision at the time. I expect to still be upset at times but I also realise these things take time. Time is a healer! X

Not as bad as I thought- I was terrified before

Not ready emotionally and financially ans relationship not ready

How did other people react to your abortion?

I told 2 friends, a work colleague, 2 managers, my three brothers, two of my brothers girlfriends, my mum, my boyfriend. Others include a nurse, councellor, Doctor, 2 psychic phone lines. I felt nobody could help make my decision and I felt completely on my own


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