Grace

12 Weeks 2 Days Medical Abortion Experience

2016 Fiji

grieving resolved numb in doubt guilty afraid sad

by myself

First of all I am grateful to Women on Web for coming through for me when I was out of options and helping me out with the pills. As abortion is illegal in Fiji, misopristol has been banned for the past 5years and private doctor appointments would mean hundreds even up to a thousand dollars. I was out of all options and was depressed when Women on Web came through for me. I was 6 weeks and 4 days when I first got an ultrasound that confirmed all my fears for the previous 4 weeks. After discovering Women on Web and got help I waited for the pills to arrive. Due to postage hiccups, I got my package two weeks later than I expected. Luckily it arrived right on the day I was going to be 12 weeks. The very next day I decided to take the pills. I took the first one called Mifepristine with me Partner. I was alone when I took the misopristol tablets 40hours after I had taken the Mifepristine. Due to some unexpected circumstances my partner wasnt able to be there for me in person but still managed to stay with me through video call throughout the whole ordeal. At 12am I finally had the courage to take the first 4pills under my tongue. After reading up on some experiences on the internet and knowing my dread of taking pills, I sucked on a lolly after putting the pills under my tongue. The first 30mins was torture as instructions said I had to wait at least 30mins before swallowing them. It was hard keeping them under my tongue when the pills started to dissolve and thick grainy bitter saliva started to fill up in my mouth. The first instance I managed to swallow my saliva. Thankfully all the while my partner was on video call. To take my mind off the taste I asked him to tell me a story like he would sometimes to help me sleep. Without fail, 15mins afterward I started to nod off to sleep. After what was like a good hour, the sudden urge to throw up woke me. After barely making it to the bathroom sink, I threw up the entire contents of my stomach. I could feel my stomach heave and it felt as if my guts were going to spill out. Weak and feeling drained I crawled back to bed. By now I could feel faint cramping around my lower abdomen. For the next 40mins I threw up two more times. After the 3 round of throwing up I was too exhausted to keep a conversation with my partner so just asked him to stay up while I lay down and slept infront of the screen. Around 2am, the cramping and wet sheets beneath me woke me up. My water seemed to have broken and I had a sudden urge to go. Barely making it to the toilet seat, I heard a plop in the toilet pan. I was too late to put a pan beneath me to keep track of what was coming out. Sitting on the toilet for about 5mins blood kept spraying out beneath me. After making sure I was strong enough to stand, I wobbled back to bed. By now the cramping was quite bad. I was having contractions and the pain was coming in waves. At first I panicked. But after after the first three waves of pain I knew I had to prepare myself for the next ones so it wouldnt hurt as much. Soon I could detect in advance when a wave of pain would come crashing and would start taking deep breaths and count to take my mind of the pain. The pain can only be described as someone hitting my lower back and abdominal area with a baseball bat over and over. I had bought some Ibuprofen from the pharmacy the day before but by the time I started having contractions I didnt have anymore energy to get off the bed and take them. I decided to just ride the pain out. I had painful contractions for another 2 and a half hours. By 4:30am my cousins burst into the apartments after a good night out. Drunk as skunks, they didnt notice anything different with me. All I told them was that I was having bad period cramps. By then I was sweating and just had enough of all the pain. I had to do something...the prolonged contractions weren't as told in the many medical abortion experiences I had been reading up 3 weeks prior. Recalling in a medical abortion experience I read that the 14weeks along girl had to pull out the fetus when the pain wasnt subsiding, I decided to go to the toilet and do a self check down there. After washing my hands nicely I felt myself up in the toilet seat. After inserting two fingers I felt a bubble-like tissue lodged in my vaginal canal. Accidentally squeezing it I felt blood just gush out onto my hand. Freaking out I removed my fingers again. After a few deep breaths and another wave of pain, I decided to stick my fingers in again and this time slowly manipulate and pull out the sac that was still lodged in my vaginal canal. Slowly pulling out the sac I had to flex my vaginal muscles and push out the sac. Whn it finally came out, what I held in my hand was the approximately 4inch long grayish sac in a pool of blood. I was shocked in that instance and held it for about 40seconds before slowly and carefully wrapping it and disposed it. I was numb the whole time I carefully wrapped it . I felt like a machine moving. I was too shocked to cry. Immediately after I pulled it out the pain subsided and instantly I felt my womb empty. I cant descirbe it but it just felt empty down there. Washing myself up I went to bed exhausted and numb. In a few minutes I was out cold. The next day I woke up weak but feeling much better. It wasnt until the evening of the next day that the pain of the whole experience hit me. I couldn't stop sobbing. There was this pain deep down that throbbed and felt like nothing would ever make it better. To be honest I was surprised at the pain and feeling of loss I felt afterward. Prior to the abortion I had tried to mentally prepare myself for it. I thought I had it under control and knowing that it would indeed hurt I decided to go ahead with it. Never had I thought I would feel the acute pain that I felt afterward and that I still feel till today a week after the abortion. I cant put into words the pain that Im going through only that I am 100% sure this is the way a mother would feel when they lose a child. Within the span of 6 weeks after confirming I was pregnant through an ultrasound and waiting for the pills to arrive I had unconsciously developed a bond with my unborn angel even though I was planning to take the pills and was mentally preparing myself for it. Losing my baby by choice is something I never want to ever go through again. The actual abortion itself is nothing near compared to the emotional pain Im going through now. The only consolation I have is that my angel is in a better place, a place much better than the one I can provide in my current family, emotional and financial state. Two night ago and in a row, just before I would lay my head on my pillow a big huge firefly would fly through the window and land right beside me. I cried the first night it happened. I know its my angel right beside me. I will always love my angel and will always keep my angel in my heart. Grieving mother. By the time I made it to

financial issues my education physical health reasons

family problems, Disowning from family,

낙태의 불법 성이 감정에 영향을 미쳤습니까?

The illegality of it didn't make as much a difference as the actual act of going through with the abortion.

다른 사람들은 당신의 낙태에 대해 어떻게 반응 했습니까?

No one apart from my two best friends, cousin brother, and partner knows what I've gone through.

illegal

Christianity