Fiona

2013 United Kingdom

grieving trapped selfish numb confused in doubt stupid ashamed guilty afraid sad

I fell pregnant when my daughter was only 3 months old. She had been unplanned and the decision between me and my boyfriend to have her had been a hard one as we'd only been together 6 months, were both on benefits, I suffer with mental health problems and he has arthritis. We didn't want to have the abortion but we were so worried about how we would manage with two babies so close in age, and so ashamed to tell people about another unplanned pregnancy. So we decided to go ahead with the abortion. I felt very sad but sure it was the right decision for us. I'd always been pro choice and very against the illegality of abortion in Ireland, I felt very lucky to be living in England and to have the choice. We didn't tell family or friends what was going on as we were too ashamed, so we didn't have anyone to babysit and brought the baby with us and my boyfriend stayed in the car with her while I went in alone which made it even harder. Then back at home I curled up in bed and just felt so sad and guilty. Looking at my beautiful little girl was so hard, I was so torn. At one point I went to change my pad after a large clot passed and I realised it was the amniotic sac. I was devastated to basically be looking at what would've become my baby and I broke down in tears. I think that moment has traumatised me, I was numb and unable to think or talk about it for a long time after. I told my sister a few months ago and she was so upset I didn't feel I could come to her. I wish I had. It's really hard to do without the support of the people close to you. I hope I never have to go through it again but I know if I was unfortunate enough to end up in the same situation I probably would. It's heartbreaking but we had to weigh up all the factors for us as a family and ultimately although it was devastating for us, it was the right choice. I just wish it wasn't so taboo and shameful as then so many people like me wouldn't bury the pain and end up not properly dealing with it.

with medicines by myself

I found it very traumatic.

financial issues family size mental health reasons

How did other people react to your abortion?

I didn't tell anyone other than the dad, my boyfriend, and he was supportive

legal

no religion