Kidda Sinsee

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And I was afraid at first...

2019 South Korea

It was hard. It was really really hard. Emotionally hard and physically hard. But I knew that from the second I got pregnant, this was what I had to do. I believe an abortion can be done nobly, it takes a lot of courage and strength for women who have children and women who confront themselves with abortion, however I am not trying to equate them. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing but within time and choice. I have never held so highly, that right, before this experience.

I am simply not ready. My partner simply is not ready. We were foolish to have not been using contraceptives. And our foolishness did end the beginning of something that could have become a someone. Perhaps this is not the case for others, but this was how I felt and I just want to be honest about it. The thought heaved in my chest, making it hard to breathe sometimes. But I know deeply, and truly, I made the right decision.

Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?

It made me feel stuck at most. Because back home, I could have gotten this done quickly... no shame involved... no second thoughts .... no need for reflection or further investigation of what it means to have an abortion. So I would have evaded this doubt or this thing I had considered dark. However I'm grateful for this waiting period, I confronted myself, my fears, my dreams, the reality of this position. Being in Seoul was difficult though. I read online that in certain clinics doctors were understanding to women who chose abortion, nonetheless I was still nervous to see them. When my partner and I went to get an ultrasound, we just pretended that we were going have the baby. I was afraid of the unlikely event that we would be reported, but mostly I was afraid of the doctor's judgement on me. I knew it was rooted in my head, looking back, I was the only one judging myself.

How did other people react to your abortion?

I didn't tell anybody. Especially my father. I felt like telling my dad was the last thing I would do in the choices I had, and they were very limited. I know that he would have been supportive, irrational and maybe mad at first. Yet the idea of telling him gave me feelings of shame and humiliation, I still don't understand why. However my boyfriend was there with me and I told my best friend, she's a nurse. And there care for me was everything.

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