jaime
2017 Guatemala
I felt irresponsible and stupid for getting pregnant. I felt trapped and afraid while trying to find a way to terminate my pregnancy. I felt stupid again for the amount of time and money it took me to terminate my pregnancy. I felt comfortable doing the abortion on my own. I felt relieved and some peacefulness once the pregnancy was aborted. I feel gratitude now for the whole experience. I have learned a lot.
I found out I was pregnant the night before I flew to Guatemala. I had a work commitment in Guatemala for two and a half months and really didn't feel as though I could back out one day before. I was also in a state of "oh shit, it this really happening? What do I do?". So I flew to Guatemala without telling anyone what was going on. I knew right away that I didn't want to have a baby. I had gotten pregnant with a man I met about a month ago. I have never felt like I wanted children and when I saw that the home pregnancy test was positive, I knew for sure I did not want to be pregnant. I moved into my new home in Guatemala and did a bunch of online research. I first tried herbal abortion. Vitamin c, parsley tea, tons of papaya (green and ripe), large amounts of cinnamon, and ding dong quai. I basically overdosed myself on the vitamins and supplements for about a week...until I couldn't swallow any more pills or eat anymore of the foods. I did start to feel period-like cramping and my pregnancy symptoms had lessened, but no abortion happened. On to buying misoprostol (cytotec brand in Guatemala). I only found one pharmacy who sold this after asking at many pharmacies. A lot of pharmacists told me that the drug was no longer available. The one pharmacist that would sell it to me charged a very very large amount. I had read on women on web website that misoprostol alone, taken in the proper way, had a 90% chance of inducing abortion. I was also aware that women on web could send medical abortion pills (the proper combo of pills) to countries where abortion is illegal. Well, I was hesitant about this option due to the Guatemalan postal service not functioning. So I went ahead and bought the cytotec. I thought it worked. I had some bleeding and strong cramping but not a large amount of bleeding. I was just hoping it had worked I guess. I had an ultrasound a week after and the doctor congratulated me on my pregnancy. I felt defeated. I explained to the doctor (I trusted him for some reason) that I did not want to be pregnant. He sympathized and told me I should have the right to choose, but that he could legally not help me. And he sent me on my way. I was becoming depressed. I had been meditating and visualizing the small baby spirit to release from my body all while sharing love. I tried to stay positive but it was extremely difficult...I was at that point feeling so truly sick and exhausted, all the time...pregnancy symptoms were strong. I began having vertigo as well which scared me a bit. I went into a negative place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Jeez! It was horrible. After the ultrasound I applied for women on web to send me medical abortion pills and i explained the postal situation. They told me that it was still possible as long as I could travel to a different town to pick them up. I said yes of course. I also, stupidly bought more misoprostol thinking that it had a better chance of working the second time. The pills being sent to me would be a "plan c". I guess I was worried that the pills may not actually make it to Guatemala because of the postal situation. So I spent another huge amount of money on cytotec. (I now regret that.) The second dose of cytotec didn't work, although I did bleed more and it calmed the pregnancy symptoms. But this time I felt that, yes, I was unfortunately still pregnant. Six days after I applied to have pills sent to me, I received an email telling me where to pick up my package. They were hidden very well in a washroom of a cafe. Strange I thought...but wonderful that they had arrived! I was scared that these too would fail. I thought I would have to fly to Mexico city for a super quick trip to a clinic. I had already spent so much money at this point and I was sad and scared. I took the pills as directed and I eventually started to have very very bad cramps along with shaking and sweating . It took some time before I started to bleed but as the cramping turned into excruciating pain and I vomited, that's when I felt a gush of liquid fall from in between my legs. After this I saw a fleshy thing on the pad, and soon after the embryonic sac came out. Then bleeding was heavy with thick blood clots. I finally knew without a doubt that the pills had worked. I think I had a fever because I was in a weird, surreal daze. I had some visions. I went to and from the toilet and my bed. I vomited once more and after another hour or so the pain subsided and I fell asleep. I chose not to take pain medication because I felt I should feel fully the abortion process. I should have gotten women on web to send me the medical abortion pills as my first option. It would have saved time, money and most importantly my state of being. That being, I believe it all happened the way it was supposed to. I am grateful.
It did not feel right.
Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?
I wanted to terminate the pregnancy even though it is illegal. The illegality of the abortion did make it much more difficult to find a way to abort the pregnancy. Also more time consuming to finally have a successful abortion. I felt strong feelings of being trapped because I was in a country where abortion is illegal.
How did other people react to your abortion?
I haven't told anyone except the man who I conceived with. I believe I will tell my sister's at some point.