Alice
This is how it went for me
2016 Italy
Let's separate this into two parts: my feelings about pregnancy, and my feelings about the actual abortion. Because surely enough all the negative feelings actually came from the pregnancy for me. I felt like really irresponsible for letting this happen to me. I should have thought more about the implications of sex, and my partner and I are still at a point where we would not want children. This is what I promised him, and as the woman of the relationship, this was my responsibility. I felt like I had betrayed him. About the abortion, I was definitely scared because of how little information I had. I couldn't talk to anyone about it and I don't know anyone who has had the same experience, and women on forums always sounded very emotional about it so I wasn't comfortable reaching out to them. I just wanted it done. I looked up pictures of fetuses and embryos to be sure I had no feelings of guilt or whatever. I actually have pretty strong maternal instincts but the thought of killing those clumps of cells really made me feel just like i was killing an ant, and today I have no regrets. I was very happy that my boyfriend stood by me and although he felt responsible for getting me pregnant, he quickly understood that this was my body and my fault, and he helped me through the process that I chose. It was extremely comforting to have his hand on my head or in my hand during those bouts of pain and he took it like . Now that I have confirmation that it is done, I look at abortion as just another medical procedure I had to endure. This leads me to believe that the feelings of guilt of other women are not hormonal but psychological. As long as you're not lying to yourself about wanting an abortion, I don't think you'll regret it. It's not a great procedure, but it's not a "bad" one either AND it's not dangerous. I think the stigma is really misplaced, but it's probably one of those things you need to experience to understand so I don't think I'll be talking about this to anyone ever. If you're planning on aborting, just know that it's really not that big of a deal and it's not dangerous now that we have pills. Ultimately the lesson to learn is: don't have vaginal sex if you don't want a baby yet. Also abortions are not that bad. I really hope this was helpful to someone!
I waited until my pregnancy test turned out negative before writing this. I'll try to make it as concise as possible. I did not want to accept I was pregnant and put off getting a test despite having clear symptoms. I was nauseous all day every day and my breasts were filling up considerably. I am in a stable relationship so it was beyond me that something so irresponsible could happen to us. But the reality is: if you're not ready to have a kid, you shouldn't be having vaginal sex. I took a test when I would have been 6 weeks in, and it was positive. Immediately my boyfriend and I started looking at our options. I wanted at all cost to have my abortion in a private clinic because Italy is not my country of residence but that is illegal here, and back in my home country, there would be a waiting list which could potentially leave me forced to have a surgical abortion, and I did not want that. I also did not feel the need for any consultation. In my situation, having an abortion was a matter of course, but I will go into details of my feelings in the next section. I'll try to keep this story as neutral as possible. Ultimately the simplest thing for me was to find a pharmacy willing to sell me cytotec without a prescription. Once I decided this, my boyfriend and I went on our "hunt" for cytotec. Smaller pharmacies are more likely to not ask for prescriptions. The first one I went to didn't ask for a prescription but didn't have it in stock and said they could get it the next day. I put a small down payment for it in my nervousness but I really wanted the meds that day so I could have my abortion the next day. The next pharmacy was a bigger one. My boyfriend went in but they not only didn't have it in stock, but also asked for a prescription. Third time was the charm and the pharmacist rolled out some cytotec when I asked for misoprostol without any questions or strange looks and I was on my way for a total of 19 euros instead of a potential ~200 euros. The next day I woke up late and had a meal heavy in iron because I knew I'd be bleeding a lot. That was a bad idea. About half an hour after the meal, at 1pm, I took the four pills and watched a 30 minute show with the man to distract me. The pills had no taste, but they caused a bit of inflammation under my tongue and in my lymph nodes. Instantly after those 30 minutes, I ran to the bathroom and had diarrhea. I was shaking cold for some reason. Soon after, I started feeling contractions then vomited my meal entirely. Then the cold stopped and instead a fever started but the pain was gone. I had an on and off fever. Whenever my fever subsided I would get cold and mild cramping pain. This went on for the next three hours. I took 200mg of ibuprofen in that time period, and managed to sleep. It wasn't too bad and a few minutes before the 3 hour mark, I started some mild bleeding. It was like a "bad period" for me. The alarm rang during a bout of pain and I didn't want to take the pills but I sucked it up and took them. 25 minutes after I inserted them into my mouth, I was hit with intense pain. Everything surrounding my lower abdominal felt like they were contracting, and I barely managed to keep the cytotec in my mouth. I swallowed the rest right at 30 minutes but right then I started uncontrollably vomiting. I think taking some ibuprofen before the pills would have been helpful. At this point I was scared because some cytotec was clearly not digested but the pain was also very strong. Again the cold started and for a good 30 minutes I was in a lot of pain and would run back from laying down, stretching and going to the bathroom trying to poop, but nothing would come out. Bleeding was getting progressively heavier, but not more heavy than the first day of a period. The only difference was that I was beginning to see clumps and I usually only see those near the 3rd day of my period. Something that seemed to make me feel better was trying to vomit. I took another ibuprofen when the nausea was subsiding. The next three hours was the worst part of the abortion for me. The fever was higher, although always under 39C and when the fever went down, the pain went up much higher. I was actually really happy when I was feverish because I would be able to sleep. During the three hours, bleeding was continuing and getting heavier, but more noticeably clumpier. At that point I was a bit traumatized and I wasn't feeling well enough to take another dose. The bleeding really didn't look like it was letting out, so I made the personal decision to not take the third dose. After my body calmed down, I had a very small dinner and drank some juice, but I was very satisfied. I had some pain before bed but I didn't take any more ibuprofen. I just kept a hot water bottle like I do during periods. I should mention I always had a hot water bottle with me throughout this whole endeavor. I was so desperate for the hot relief that my belly was a bit reddened at some point from me putting that bottle directly on my skin. I stopped when I noticed, but it didn't burn me. During the next five days, I kept bleeding heavily and clumpy-ly. I took an ibuprofen the first day but a hot water bottle usually provided enough relief. During the two days after, I got a bit of fever but nothing serious. I could feel the contractions much in more detail than I would during a normal period. The next five days I just took aspirins. The pain wasn't very bad. Finally two weeks after the abortion, the bleeding has started subsiding, and it looks like the end of a usual period. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it came out negative. I think you will know if the abortion was successful from the first or second day after taking the medicines. The symptoms are really drastic, especially if you were as far along as I was (which admittedly wasn't even very far!) My breasts got smaller instantly and the nausea went away entirely. I was accumulating fat in unusual places for me like my arms and lower legs during the pregnancy, and those went away in at most three days, it was quite impressive. If I had to do things differently, I would have my iron-laden meal for dinner the day before the abortion, and I would take some ibuprofen before taking the doses of misoprostol. In the end, my abortion symptoms were really by-the-book, but I hope reading an actual testimony might help you feel more confident about the situation. This is what I wish I could have read before the event. 90% means it will probably work, after all, so don't worry too much.
Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?
It made me feel better because I felt like I had more control. The testimonies of legal abortions I read online sounded like it was very difficult for someone like me to get an abortion legally.
How did other people react to your abortion?
I didn't tell other people, just my boyfriend who was there to support me.