Beth Smith

I was with my parter for three and a half years when i fell pregnant. I was diagnosed with POS (Polycystic ovaries syndrome) at age 15 and was told that i would need help when i wanted to have a child. Because of this contraception wasn't important as we were convinced that i wouldn't fall pregnant.... until i went on holiday and found myself feeling sick in the morning, having mood swings and having extremely tender nipples. Instead of feeling happy, we just looked at each other and cried. He doesn't have a stable job, I'm currently studying whilst were both living at home. It just wasn't right.

We went to the abortion clinic so i could have a scan to find out how far along i was. I decided i didn't want to see the screen with the scan on, and felt ok until i saw the pictures she had took of the scan that she was looking at right in front of me. It just looked like a little bean, but that was my little bean. I kept it together until i got out the room and broke down in the toilets.

After a couple weeks going back and forth on what to do, and with a heavy heart we finally decided to go through with it. i was 10 weeks, and went with a medical abortion under anaesthetic. When i came round i felt fine.... i think i was still high though. On the first night, i couldt stop crying. I don't think I've ever experience grief like it before in my life. Although i knew deep down that it was for the best and wouldn't of been fair to keep it, it doesn't help with the sadness and guilt that you feel afterwards. Because i had no idea how to deal with the grief, my boyfriend suggested that writing a letter about what happened, then burying it in a place we can go visit whenever we feel down about it. Ive wrote the letter (which was extremely painful) and were just deciding on where to bury it.

I don't think i will ever get over this and it is something that will always lay heavy on my heart, which i will think about every day.

2015 United Kingdom

grieving disappointed irresponsible trapped selfish numb stupid ashamed guilty afraid sad

grief.

in a clinic or hospital with surgery

Extremely quick and painless.

financial issues my education my age (too young or old)

N/A

Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?

N/A.

How did other people react to your abortion?

everyone we told were extremely supportive. at first we were only going to tell my boyfriends sister (she had been through the same thing a couple yeas before) and she said that whatever we decide would be the right decision. I wasn't going to tell my mom until someone posted a horrible article about abortion (i won't repeat what was said) but it broke me to pieces, then i had to tell her. She was so supportive and was just upset that i hadn't told her sooner.

legal

no religion