KB
Finding Healing
2015 Spain
When I was 17, I was in love with a boy and got pregnant. Because I was 17 and still in school and young and.... I was in a tough place. Not knowing what else to do, I tried to "take care of it" myself but because I was under 18, I needed parental consent (and I didn't want to tell my parents). Eventually it was the last option, and no other options were discussed. I had the abortion and never saw my boyfriend again. For years after I carried a feeling of loss. I wondered what my life would have looked like if I had had the baby. For years I tried to find my boyfriend so that I could apologise... so that I could have some closure on what happened. At some point I became adamantly pro-life. Fast forward almost 20 years... I now am a single mom and have two children. After being single for five years, I met someone who I thought I would be with forever. He told me he was unable to have children, so I wasn't as careful as I would have been otherwise. I suspected that I was pregnant quickly... and then he left with promises of finding us a home (the place we were staying was temporary). As the pregnancy progressed, I got very sick. I could not get off of the couch, and taking care of my children alone was difficult. I begged for my boyfriend to come back, but he said he "couldn't" because he was trying to find us a place to stay. So alone I waited and tried to think about what to do. Having another child was not in my plans.. my two kids were just getting more independent and I was just starting to feel like I was getting my life back. And now.. I could barely get off the couch... pregnant... and feeling so alone. After almost a month of almost no communication and unfulfilled promises from my "boyfriend"... I started thinking about terminating the pregnancy. This thought surprised me, because I thought I was pro-life. Around the same time, the man I had gotten pregnant with almost 20 years earlier connected with me online. What timing! "Hello." "Hello." "I'm sorry......" "We were young.. let it go." Tears. Release. I ordered the medicines from WoW still unsure whether I would go through with it. I decided to see if my boyfriend would come back... I finally yelled at him that he NEEDED to come back... and the day he did, the package from WoW arrived. I felt nothing when I saw him. I felt physically awful.. my pregnancy senses had kicked in and my nose was so sensitive that I couldn't stand his smell. I decided that I couldn't keep the baby.. the new moon would be in two days and so taking advantage of the waning moon, I took the first of the tablets. The next night, after the kids and my "boyfriend" had gone to sleep, I took the second dose. Right after, I wondered what the heck I was doing.. what if there were complications!? Why was I doing this in the middle of the night?? But I knew that he wouldn't understand and I just wanted to be alone and release the pregnancy quietly, in my own space. Sometime in the middle of the night, I started cramping, and then spotting. In a little while, the blood flow became a little stronger, and then I passed the placenta. I felt such a sense of relief and peace wash over me. It was so sweet, so gentle. I felt loved, held by angels.... and I felt energy and life return to my body. I immediately felt 90% better than I had for weeks. In the morning I had to tell him that the pregnancy had ended... this was difficult because I felt no sadness about it. He suspected that I had instigated it... told me I was "selfish"... A few days later he was gone. I felt such a sense of peace.. I felt like I had also healed the pain from the abortion 20 years before... where I had had no other option... and now having made a conscious choice. Not selfish... because the darkness I went through that month nearly killed me...but choosing to be alive for my children... choosing to be alive for the planet... I wasn't able to have an ultrasound to make sure the termination was complete. I kept feeling a little unsure, but knew that since the placenta had released, that there was very little chance that I could still be pregnant. About a week after the abortion, I passed a larger clump which I think must have been the foetus (I'm not sure, because I was early enough in the pregnancy that it wasn't clearly identifiable). This brought some waves of grief.. but I knew that ultimately it had to be this way. I am totally amazed at this experience. Amazed at the cycles of life. Saddened that a life had to be taken in order for this healing to occur.. but amazed at what I was shown in the process. I don't recommend that anyone take an abortion lightly... there are consequences that come from our actions. Please, understand what you are doing: Make sure you have support before, during, and after. Educate yourself... make an empowered decision, not one out of fear or being forced into something. Know that as women, we have the power to create life.. and end it. Know how amazing you are. Know that you are loved.
Did the illegality of your abortion affect your feelings?
not really
How did other people react to your abortion?
Only two people knew... my best friend supported me and my boyfriend only knew after the fact. He wasn't happy about it, but he had made his own choices.