Lindseymae Mckay

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My name is Lindseymae McKay. I will be 32 years old next week. I have a 6 year old son who is truly the only reason I breathe. I’ve had several abortions. None of which I have ever felt any guilt or remorse; in fact, all I ever felt was relief.
That was until my most recent procedure.
About a month ago I realized I was pregnant. I knew before I took a pregnancy test & knew that I would want an abortion. After the pee-stick confirmation at home, I took the next few necessary steps in scheduling my abortion appointment at the local clinic. I was early enough in the pregnancy to have the option of using the medical abortion versus the in-clinic, vacuum procedure (which really sucks, no pun intended). So about two weeks ago, I went to clinic, heard the same ole song-and-dance about when to take the pills, what to expect, what warning signs to be aware of, bla-bla-bla. As expected, it was a fairly painful ordeal with heavy bleeding, extreme discomfort, with a supportive and clueless partner by my side. Now, here I sit in my bathroom in the middle of the night, wondering if this HUGE bloody booger thing that just fell outta me is the unwanted fetus. It looks like a cranberry covered wonton that, seriously, has the classic fetus shape to it. Now- instead of just flushing it down the toilet, I carefully put it onto a piece of
Toilet paper and instantly went online googling what the
Possibilities were of this gory splotch being the thing I wanted out of me- and if so- why do I feel so guilty about it? Why am I sitting here holding my tears back examining this thing looking for little fingers or toes? What the hell is wrong with me? And now I get it. I’m human. Despite the relief I feel at knowing I’m not going to be having another child, I feel horribly irresponsible and overwhelmingly selfish. I am sure this will not last. At least I hope it doesn’t. I’m sharing this story hoping someone see will share something similar and make me
Feel like I’m less
Of a monster for doing this not once but several times.

2019 United States

irresponsible selfish relieved as usual stupid ashamed guilty sad