Ewa Z.

Abortion was a very unexpedcted fact in my life as I never really beleived in could happen to me.

I came from a society where till today there are many sexual taboos and some of my friends still get red or put their heads down if you talk about sexual matters; or about sex as normally as about ather things. In Mexico, where I went to starta new life, I learnt to be more open to my own body and feminity, that sex must not imply love or love doesnt mean sex and a lot more about unusual human relations.

The funny thing about my pregnancy was that I realised it only by intuition ? and I was in the 7th week. First I was shocked because my ex partner was with another woman and on the day of 13th it happend that he got to know from both of us that we were pregnant with him ( well, separately).
He didnt want me to have it because he didnt have much to offer and our relation seemed to be over, he also didnt want the other woman to find out although they were about splittnig anyway.

We started to think what to do. His parents said that he could have 2 children if he made them and help two of them. His sisters also: you made them you feed them.

My close friend from Poland told me clearly that for me its better not to have it no matter what ? not in my ustable position with no financial support. She helped me to find a doctor and suddenly I realised that its not so hard to find help.

My sister was angry and wanted me to keep it, my parents offered me support and told me to think it over, but something inside of me was not satisfied with this ? I felt that there should be or have been at least some time when you have felt with the man something really special, love, passion or something that was filling you both to be able to pass this happiness to the child. ( even if you stay alone)

I realised that I didnt feel loved, he was not serious about me and very inmature, I was on my own ( I didnt have a harmonic relation with my parents so I wouldnt go back to poland for nothing in the world) and I thought that even if other people help me and give me money one day they might not be there anymore.

What if they say I am sorry I cant help you anymore?????

(Today I know that you must always go to people, talk about your problems and ask for help ? there is always someone who will help you find the way)

To be honest I didnt know what to do. I wanted to have one but I realised that children are those who pay for the errors of their parents and as I had an unhappy stressfull childhood so I didnt want any child to go through the same.

And the father was not with me ? so how would I explain to my child that his father likes to be with another woman or women, that he is not there to help us. Why didnt I chose a better father?????etc....

Everybody that knew about this situation was very concerned but the BEST thing of all was that nobody pushed me to do anything. I found out that most of my friends have had abortions and even few. They treated me seriously ? didnt judge me for this situation.

My close friend from Poland was very straight and unsentimental and told me honestly that in my unstable position, the actitude of men to foreign women, and generally in that moment of my life the best I could do was to abort. ( by dinners you can be sentimental, in life sometimes more practical )

I realised that its not so hard to find help when you look for it. My ex partner gave me also contact to some very good doctors.

It would cost of course about 500 usd, and I had to get the money somehow ? little problem. As it was the responsibily of me and that men we split the cost between us.
We payed hal half.
He chose one doctor out of three and I want to share with you now what he told me ? because it gave me a lot of confidance.

He showed me the photo of the baby on the screen and informed me about my state.
He told ma that I could have it if I wanted to and even if there were going to be complications I could still handle and be a mother, BUT if I felt that this child would exclude me from my present social life and it would be a very big hint for me than I should not have it.
HE SAID THAT THE FATHER IS NOONE TO PUT PRESSURE ON ME AND IF I WANTED TO KEEP THE BABY THE MAN BY NO MEANS WAS TO MAKE ME HAVE THE ABORTION.......

The doctors preferred to make abortions generally before the 9th week, so I had 1 week to decide. I felt very lonely and week because I felt quite happy and was very curious to be a mother ? but still ? children are not toys that you put away when they START disturb you ? and I asked myself again: was I ready for it, what would I offer it, how would I work and pay all myself, how would I feel taking money from others all the time: I still couldnt decide though so I said to God: you know my situation, I do not know what to do ? If I should have it I manage I am not determined to abort ? tell me whats the best I can do in terms of being human and my present situation.
And you wont beleive....I woke up at night feeling that an angel spoke to me and I inside of me I felt very clearly the massage.......dont worry, his time on earth was only 2 months, let it go, its better for now.

I was looking for an option to take some aborting pills to avoid the surgical cleaning afterward and the visit in a hospital, but the doctor explained to me that it was not safe because when something stays behind I could have an infection and even die of it.
I was afraid and unsure but I felt safe. The hospital was very clean, that doctor its headmaster. So the abortion took 20 min. I woke up and I felt very good. I didnt notice or feel any single touch or pain beeing under fool narcosis.

Of course after that I felt sorry, not guilty, I felt alone as if I missed company, I also cried ? from time to time but didnt feel depressed or unstable. In contrary ? I started to take a better care of myself.

The problem of machos or inmature men is that they do not like to use condoms and have no clue that they can catch anything, transmit a dosease or make a woman suffer. Even if they know, they are not in emocional position to use condoms. They are not beeing thought by anybody to offer to their lovers or girlfriends to pay for her anticonceptives. THIS IS THE BAD SIDE OF MOTHERS ; THEY WANT TO BE GOOD AND GIVE LOVE TO THEIR SON ? THEY GIVE OFTEN A BETTER TREATMENT TO BOYS AND THEY CREATE WEAK, SELFISH,EGOCENTRIC MACHOS WHO ARE NOT ABLE TO RESOLVE THEIR LIFES WITHOUT THEIR MUMMIES. YAK!

But no matter what ? it turned to be one of the best and most pleasnat experiences of my life because........I WAS PROPERLY PREPARED FOR WHAT I WAS GOING TO GO THROUGH.........

-the father told me that he doesnt feel like beeing in the position to support me so he was honest from the beginning

-he found the best known doctor around

-my friend psycologist told me that the desicion you make is the best one you could make for this moment, dont look back or forward what could have been, she told me clearly how I am going to feel afterwards and why.......

- everybody told me that I must decide myself and it was only my desision (thanks God)

- nobody treated me bad or different after the abortion, I was the same person and friend

- this experience gave me a big kick in life how ignorant I was about myself, how little I was doing for myself

- my family except my parents was not involved and my parents were too far away to invade my emotional space

The woman who was pregnant also with the same man decided to keep it but it was born dead.

You never know so let it be YOUR decision and do what YOU really feel. Be honest with yourself and you can always have another one or adopt.

Remember also that it can die few minutes after its birth, a month or a year. Nobody can assure you anything so first of all your joy and your happyness and then anything else.

Abortion is not a crime. If today I could be the small package of cells in the belly and should decide for myself after all those years I would say : I prefer to have been aborted, my sister too. I said it to my parents.
They have run away from their families because of conflicts, they were poor, they didnt pass a happy childhood, they married because my mother got pregnant unexpectidly, they didnt have much support from their families and.......the hard life and tears began. It was very hard for them, they tried to give their best but I was not a happy child, I could not do what I would like to do, I didnt have enough orientation and emotional guidance to have avoided lot that I suffered. I do not wish anybody the same. I am still afraid of family ties, control, ignorance so I havent started my own family yet.

The mother of my ex told me: I would give everything that I have to help you have this child, but if it comes to suffer then it should not come.