Lindseymae Mckay

My name is Lindseymae McKay. I will be 32 years old next week. I have a 6 year old son who is truly the only reason I breathe. I’ve had several abortions. None of which I have ever felt any guilt or remorse; in fact, all I ever felt was relief.
That was until my most recent procedure.
About a month ago I realized I was pregnant. I knew before I took a pregnancy test & knew that I would want an abortion. After the pee-stick confirmation at home, I took the next few necessary steps in scheduling my abortion appointment at the local clinic. I was early enough in the pregnancy to have the option of using the medical abortion versus the in-clinic, vacuum procedure (which really sucks, no pun intended). So about two weeks ago, I went to clinic, heard the same ole song-and-dance about when to take the pills, what to expect, what warning signs to be aware of, bla-bla-bla. As expected, it was a fairly painful ordeal with heavy bleeding, extreme discomfort, with a supportive and clueless partner by my side. Now, here I sit in my bathroom in the middle of the night, wondering if this HUGE bloody booger thing that just fell outta me is the unwanted fetus. It looks like a cranberry covered wonton that, seriously, has the classic fetus shape to it. Now- instead of just flushing it down the toilet, I carefully put it onto a piece of
Toilet paper and instantly went online googling what the
Possibilities were of this gory splotch being the thing I wanted out of me- and if so- why do I feel so guilty about it? Why am I sitting here holding my tears back examining this thing looking for little fingers or toes? What the hell is wrong with me? And now I get it. I’m human. Despite the relief I feel at knowing I’m not going to be having another child, I feel horribly irresponsible and overwhelmingly selfish. I am sure this will not last. At least I hope it doesn’t. I’m sharing this story hoping someone see will share something similar and make me
Feel like I’m less
Of a monster for doing this not once but several times.

2019 United States

irresponsible selfish relieved as usual stupid ashamed guilty sad

by myself

Painful but effective

financial issues my personal reasons for not wanting a child family size mental health reasons

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