Paula

i had an abortion

2010 United States

grieving comfortable peaceful irresponsible relieved confused happy stupid ashamed sure guilty sad

I had the easiest and most gentle abortion that I think is possible. I had financing from the state, compassionate and well-trained doctor and nurses, a freaked-out but well-meaning guy (we weren't together, just friends who had sex a few times), a soft bed to return home to, pain medication, ice cream, etc. Even with all of that, I still had some serious emotions to go through. NOT because I had any doubts as to whether or not I made the right decision. I have no regrets, and when I was just thinking about me and the little shrimp-sized embryo growing inside of me, I felt completely at peace with the idea that I'd be ending its development. I also felt sad, but not ... wrong. It was the right decision. It was my decision. I had to mourn some for unrealized possibilities. That's what an embryo is - a possibility. But I felt then, and I don't think I was mistaken, that a full pregnancy and childbirth would have broken me, whether or not I ended up keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption. Either situation would have simply broken me as a person. It was not a good time in my life. But the world being what it is, I felt everyone's eyes upon. I thought they would know what I was doing, that they would judge or yell or hit me or who knows what. And this is me in my little safe bubble of a (relatively) sexually liberated city in a (relatively) progressive state. I can't even imagine what so many of you have to deal with, and I wish I could make it easier for you. I wish I could make it okay. I hope you are all okay inside at least. At least you know you aren't alone, right? Alone in my home after the abortion, I thought about my life, and how I am able to make choices, to take responsibility for my own actions, to determine (to a certain extent) the type of life I'm going to lead. Getting pregnant, and then getting an abortion, made me a better person. I'm not going to fuck around anymore. I want to have kids. I'm on the road to getting ready. If I were to have an unplanned pregnancy now (the likelihood of which is verrry slim, but you can bet I'll never again assume anything works 100% of the time!), my decision regarding whether or not to abort might be different. I'm so very, very grateful that the decision will be mine to make, whenever it may come again. Thank you so much, women (and men!) of the world who fight for us all.

in a clinic or hospital with surgery

As smooth as can be expected. Really. It hurt, and I bled, but with pain medication (I think it was just extra-strength Ibuprofen) and hot tea, it wasn't terrible. The worst was over by the next morning. Then I had some mild cramping and some more light-medium bleeding, but not bad at all. No fever, no nausea, etc.

financial issues my personal reasons for not wanting a child

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with compassion

legal

no religion