Lily

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I had a medical abortion (the pill) with BPAS when I was just shy of 8 weeks. Can honestly say I feel relieved but I do feel sad that I ever ended up in such a situation. I was not with the father; in fact he was my ex who I was casually seeing and stupidly not using contraception (we didn’t have any STIs and I was keeping track of my cycle)
Needless to say I miscalculated my fertile day and boom, knew something was wrong when my period was late and I was experiencing cramps, fatigue, nausea and sore breasts. Took two tests when I was 5 days late and they instantly came up with those 2 red lines: definitely pregnant.
I felt panic and my first thought was to get rid. My ex didn’t quite believe me at first and insisted he’d get me more tests to take, ‘just incase’. When I did, I think it finally sunk in. He was shocked but supportive of whatever I decided: he made it clear though that he was in no financial position to have a kid and he wasn’t sure he ever even wanted to be a dad. I was in the same position but I must admit there were days before I rang BPAS where I really struggled, I was thinking of all sorts of ways that I could make it work - in hindsight I think it was the hormones clouding my judgment. I booked in with BPAS but had to wait two weeks for a consultation. Longest two weeks of my life and hated constantly feeling tired and sick. My ex came with me to the appointment and had to sit in the waiting area for about 2 hours. The staff were friendly enough but the nurse I had was abit stern; they ask why you are having an abortion and honestly, I felt like I had to justify myself a few times to this nurse. Once it was over I was just desperate to get out of there; as soon as I left I broke down in tears and all my ex could do was hold me, it was all too much. When you have the scan they will ask you if you want to see it and if you want to know if it was twins: i’m Glad I said no to seeing the scan as I feel it could of changed my mind. No twins thankfully.
They discuss with you what treatment would be best depending on your circumstances: I was booked in two days later to take one pill at the clinic and collect the rest of the medication to take 24-72 hours later, to continue the abortion at home. Luckily my parents were away for the weekend (I live at home) so my ex kept me company all day and all night. In hindsight I do wish I went with the surgical abortion as the pain was intense - if you are going to have a medical abortion at home please have someone with you to keep an eye on you and comfort you. I’m glad my ex was with me though I could tell he felt extremely guilty. I don’t wish to scare anyone but it was the most painful experience of my adult life and I was so relieved when the codeine kicked in - it does take 30-60 minutes so if you have a low pain tolerance, take it as soon as you feel any twinges.
I was warned I might see the white fluffy sac that contained the foetus but luckily I didn’t see anything, just a lot of blood, which mostly all came out as soon as I went the loo. I experienced vomiting, diarrhoea, dizziness and hot flushes but by the morning I was completely fine and the bleeding had returned to period like consistency.

Do I regret my decision? No. It was the right decision for me and if you are struggling, I urge you to speak to someone who you can trust. Don’t go through this alone or bottle it up. Remember there are no right or wrong answers here; Only you know what is best for you. Go with your gut instinct and don’t go through with something just to please others. It’s ok if you are not ready to become a mother, or if you never want children, this is your body.
Peace x

2019 United Kingdom

disappointed irresponsible selfish relieved stupid ashamed guilty sad