LOLO
Made me who I am today
2006 United States
I have many conflicting feelings. In many ways, by getting pregnant, I realized how much I want children, a family, as one of my lifelong goals. I knew I could not provide the type of home I want to raise a family in during that at that time in my life. In many ways my inner dissidence about my decision over the last 10 years has caused me emotional strife and turmoil. Sometimes questioning, what if? I don't expect that to ever change, as I feel I can not openly mourn the loss of the little one that I know I someday want. But with time I realized...why put a question mark where god put a period?
I had a surgical abortion and something went wrong with the first attempt, so I had to come back one week later to have the procedure repeated. The doctor told me it was because I had a "heart shaped uterus." The week in between was filled with anxiety, guilt, and fear that I would never be able to bear children in the future. Once it was all done, I was absolutely relieved. I learned actually how strong I could be, and about how I do desire children, when I am ready for them.
I had just turned 18 and graduated from high school. I had plans of attending University in the fall, and saw my dreams crashing down with this unplanned pregnancy. I could not bear the idea of having a child without having enough money in my bank account to pay rent, and without the education to get a well paying job. I want a child when I am able to provide a life with opportunity, with stability and love. At that time in my life I was just learning what being an adult was about.
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I kept my abortion secret from my family and most of my friends for years. Two of my girlfriends who knew took accompanied me to Planned Parenthood. One said, "this is what you need to do for yourself."